Dear Satan Santa:
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and assume I’m on the naughty list. It probably happened somewhere around February when I first called my kids ‘assholes’. But let’s be honest here, they were really being assholes.
Or maybe it happened around June when I gave my kids a free pass to swear once and get it out of their systems and when my daughter said “crapbag” I told her she sucked at life.
And hey, sorry about calling you Satan, but while we’re being honest, you’re a little creepy. You’re always watching, you break into people’s homes in the middle of the night and your diet only consists of cookies and milk. That’s just weird and unhealthy.
The last time I wrote you a letter I asked for a Barbie Dream House and a pair of ice skates. I received neither, fuck you very much. Since I’m sure you have no intention of delivering gifts to a woman who can use ‘fuck’ in every single sentence, every single day and has a porn app on her iPhone, I’m just going to reach for the stars.
In no particular order:
1. Ian Somerhalder – I don’t care what you have to do to make this happen, just do it. Try selling one of your kidneys on the black market. I’d do it myself but they aren’t really looking for kidneys soaked in vodka right now.
2. My name legally changed to “Tara Fucking Sivec”.
3. Whale Sperm – You don’t need to know why I want this. Just bring it to me.
4. My name in UrbanDictionary.com reading as such:
Tara Sivec: Adjective; The act of being awesome – “Dude, you’re so Tara Sivec!”
5. A vibrator that tells me I’m pretty, empties the dishwasher and does all of the grocery shopping. Preferably in pink. With sparkles. And named Pablo Peniscasso.
I just have one thing this year.
I’ve heard you’re a huge hockey fan. I mean, who wouldn’t be? It’s the greatest game on ice, am I right? Anyway, I need a big favor.
It’s Carolina. She’s not giving me the time of day, even after I’ve agreed to be her fashion model. I mean, can you imagine me on a runway, wearing designer clothes? If I can bend, she can, too. I know we had that one drunken night in college, and she was kind of pissed about it, but I’ve apologized for that over and over again. I’m a changed man now and I’d like to move forward with her, so, Santa, if you could show Carolina I’m not that guy anymore, I’d appreciate it. I mean, my friend Trick is getting more action than me, and that’s just not right.
Anyway, that’s all I want this year.
Okay, maybe one more thing. Some wins on the road would be nice. We kind of suck there.
And hey, don’t work too hard Christmas Eve.
While sitting here trying to wake up having a coffee transfusion I remembered that Christmas is quickly approaching and I didn’t ask you for anything yet! Although I’m not quite sure how much you trust social media these days…Last week this online Santa wannabe came up with a 94% naughty for me. Just don’t listen to that. It’s all lies!
I really didn’t know what to ask you other than some peace and relaxation because this year has been probably the most stressful ever. But then I read Suzanne’s message for UTC readers and I got to thinking about chocolate.
Sooooo I would like 2 lbs of chocolate under my tree. Oh, I have to tell you why? So I can melt it all over Jason Momoa’s body for my licking pleasure. Did I forget to mention he should be delivered, naked, to my bed that morning? Then I’ll probably re-enact some of my favorite smexy scenes from my reading of this year (which, if you’re really interested you can find in the Best Of post but you may want to stay away). And after Jason goes all Sevastyan on me, I will need 2 bottles of honey. There’s this Rough Riders scene (by Lorelei James) that has always been fun and a favorite of mine. After all that, I think I’ll just need a clawfooted bathtub filled with bubbles and champagne flutes for a little nightcap to finish my perfect Christmas present. Wouldn’t want to send him off all sticky, would we?
This in no way, shape or form certifies that I have been or will be naughty.
Until next year 😉
Whoops! Hang on a minute. Tex and Elvira are downstairs fighting. Gotta see what that’s all about. Hang tight. I’ll be back…
Apparently, my kitties, Axl and Starla, were attacking the tree (again). Tex thought they should do “what nature allows” and Elvira got ticked because the garland she laid went funky and…well, things degenerated from that.
All is fine now. I made Elvira a martini. And Starla is getting cuddles from Tex while Axl is attacking his beard.
Anyway, you know I’m not writing to ask for anything for Christmas. I have all I need. And thank you for that, jolly one. You’re the bomb.
In fact, I must admit, it’s kind of awkward why I’m writing but since she knew I was tight with the big man (that being you), and she’s not (you’ve put her on the naughty list more than once over the years), she’s asked me to intervene.
See, Ally’s kinda ticked about the cease and desist order you slapped on her for her use of her elf costume. Ren thought it was hilarious (though he’d not be too pleased if the elf costume had to be permanently retired).
She’d like you to consider backing down from that. I will point out it was her Christmas present to Ren last year and he did enjoy it thoroughly, enough for it to be Christmastime often at the Zano household.
Ally told me it’s in the spirit of Christmas, how she’s using her costume—the season of giving and all that.
Obviously, it’s up to you to make the call. But at the very least, Ally tried to be a good girl this year, if that helps. I mean, isn’t it the thought that counts?
Regardless of what you decide, you know when you hit my living room, I’ll have a cold Fat Tire waiting for you.
Elvira will be making your board.
Keep warm and safe in your sleigh and tell Mrs. Claus I said hey.
Rock on, Santa!
No. Don’t roll your eyes. I promise I won’t ask for David Gandy this year again. I hear you, he’s a real person and probably wouldn’t like being abducted just to be my little play thing. But really, could you blame a woman for wanting that all to herself? Just ask Mrs. Claus.
Any way, this year I’ve decided to go a little easy on you. This time I will get the man myself. But in order to keep him, I’ll need a little help with seduction. This is where you come in.
You see, there’s this guy…His name is Aleksandr Sevastyan and he is hot. Like, smokin’ hotter-than-the-depths-of-hell hot. I typically don’t think long distance relationships work but I feel it. This is something special. He has this alphaness that makes me weak.
And when he speaks, my god, the dirty talk borders on obscene!
So, all I need is an extravagant palace, preferably some place lush like Russia or Paris.
Some jewels because sparkly things make every woman feel pretty
A bottle of wine, your choice
Fuzzy handcuffs (No worries, I promise I’ll pass them on to Angela after I’m done with them)
Some candles to set the mood
And possibly part 2 and 3 of the The Game Makers series so we can act out the scenes.
That’s it. Think you can handle all that? If so, I’ll forget the fact that Gandy didn’t show up in just a stocking last year.
Thanks Santa! You know, you aint so bad after all.
Dear Santa Claus,
I have been a very good erotica writer this year.
Wait. Sorry. I can’t even type this with a straight face. Hi Santa. It’s me, Nora Sutherlin. You might have me on your list as Eleanor Schreiber. I can’t remember if we’ve updated my contact information. Anyway, my list of demands is below.
For Christmas I want…
1-A new riding crop. A snazzy one with silver braiding on the handle. I’m not sure those exist, but surely you have a kinky elf hanging around the workshop. Put him on the job.
2-A Tesla Model S (see attached photo with model and options information). Red, obviously.
3-A kitten (Søren says I can’t have a kitten, because I’m allergic but that’s what they make shots and pills for. I’ll take a cute one, the kind with the smushed face. I’ve named him Puddleglum.)
4-A new housekeeper who won’t be scared when she finds Wartenberg wheels in between the couch cushions.)
5-Nicholas (Kingsley’s son. I know this is more God’s area than yours, Santa, but if you see Saint Nicholas, ask him to help me out. I’m leaving the day after Christmas to find him. I might need a Christmas miracle here).
6-Søren (I know I already have him and always will, but no list of things I want would be complete without him).
Spanks for everything!
All I want for Christmas is a Diet Pepsi Tree.
I know. I know. You must be pretty surprised that I’m writing you today. I’m kind of surprised myself. It’s been quite a few years since I wrote you, and I wanted to take this time to explain my lack of communication with you.
You see Santa, back in 2008 (or it might have been 2009) I had written you a letter asking you for one little thing. I figured that you would be the man that would be able to grant my one wish since you are the only fat dude in a red suit that I know who flies around the world overnight, and leaves presents for all the good little boys and girls around the world. I figured if you could do all of that in a matter of hours with your flying reindeer, then you would be more than able to give me the one thing that I really wanted. It was all that I asked, wished, and hoped for that year and I even baked you some cookies using the famous Neiman Marcus Chocolate Chip recipe and using only the best ingredients. And let me tell you, I.DO.NOT.BAKE, but I made the exception for you.
Well Santa, you really disappointed me that year. I mean was it really that hard to get a naked Eric Northman under my Christmas tree? You could have easily swung by Louisiana to pick him on your way to Washington. Instead of giving me a 6 foot 4 flying Viking Vampire, you left me a puke green jacket with shearling lining. WTH was that all about? I never wore that thing and I think even Macklemore wouldn’t buy that jacket from the Goodwill even if it was only 99 cents!
The year after that I figured I might have better luck not asking for a fictional character. I could have easily asked for Iron Man but decided against it and ask for something a little more attainable. That year I asked you to give me a big fat bank account and a slimmer body. I figured that since you ran a well-oiled toy making factory and employed hundreds (maybe even thousands) of elves, had a fast flying sleigh that travels around the world, and magical flying reindeer, that you probably had stacks of cash just sitting around and wouldn’t have minded sharing the wealth with some of your fans. Well Santa, you or your elves must have had dyslexia that year because you mixed up my wish. Yup, my bank account felt a little anorexic, and I’m still working on getting that extra junk in the trunk to disappear.
But as I think back, I guess I really shouldn’t have blamed you for my slimmer bank account and fat ass. I mean it’s not your fault that I have a little spending habit when it comes to clothes, shoes, makeup, handbags, and books, and that I like filling my tummy with yummy food that goes straight to my ass and thighs.
This year I figured I would go ask for things that were a bit more realistic. I don’t think it would be hard for you to get and with a little of your magic I think you’ll be more than able to grant it for me. So Santa, here is my wish list for this year:
1. For Burned by Karen Marie Moning and The King by J.R. Ward to be released on time and not be pushed back again. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need those books Santa!
2. For me to attend more Author Events in 2014. I am such a huge fan of so many authors and you would make me the happiest girl in the world if I could meet more of my favorite authors.
3. BOOKCASES! BOOKSCASES! BOOKCASES! My current bookcases are filled to the brim and I can no longer stand to see my books piled neatly on the floor. They need permanent homes in pretty bookcases. And if you really wanted to make this 30-something year old woman cry, scream, and jump around, I would love my own home library. Something like this would do.
4. David Gandy. If you can’t make any of the other things in this list happen, I’m really hoping you can get me David Gandy with nothing but pretty red bow around his neck. He’s a REAL, LIVE person, so it should be easier for you to get him for me instead of a fictional Viking. The best thing about David Gandy is that he’s multi-purpose. Not only is he a gorgeous, sexy, super male model but he can also play the roles of some of my favorite book boyfriends such as Jericho Barrons, Gideon Cross, and Ethan Blackstone. See? Multi-purpose!!
Thanks for taking your time to read this letter Santa, and I hope that you’ll be able to grant me my wishes this year. I have high hopes that you’ll come through for me. I promise you that I have been a very, very good girl this year and if you check your list twice you’ll see that my name is on that NICE list. I really don’t want to have to start contacting the Devil and slowly start selling pieces of my soul to him just so I can get the things that I really want most in this world.
I have been a very good girl this year, despite some very bad influences (did you SEE Fran’s naughty score?) I have stayed on the straight and narrow. I admit I had one or two slip ups, but stalkings only wrong if they notice right? And really how is a girl supposed to resist someone as gorgeous Luke Evans, Jason Momoa, Simon Baker, Nathan Fillion… I tell you it is a full time job keeping an eye on all of them, but I have always been a hard worker, which is another tick in the nice column me thinks!
So, because I have demonstrated such exemplary behaviour I would just like a few little somethings for Christmas, to make it simple for you, I have done a little list:
2. Bubble bath
3. Massage oil
4. Make Curran from the Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews come alive from the books and fall madly in love with me (which, he obviously would do) and use the massage oil on me and have wild dirty monkey sex. Then we can have a nice bath with my new bubbles and snuggle up keeping my feet warm with my new socks.
Thanks Santa! I know you will do it, if not… I can’t guarantee I will be such a good girl next year…. Just sayin’.
Lots of love and kisses
Angelina watched as the little girl carefully penned her letter to Santa. Marisol and her mother, Savi, had shown up on Damián’s doorstep a week ago on the run from something. Damián had a daughter. Probably no one was more surprised than he.
Angelina hadn’t written a letter to Santa in forever, but suddenly wondered what she might say if she were the one writing a letter today…
Thank you for all of the gifts you’ve given me over the years. But this year, I have a different perspective on things. You see, I’ve met this man who I think might be “the one.” His name is Marc and he makes me so happy. It’s just…he seems so plagued by something that haunts his dreams and seems to be keeping him from truly opening himself up to me. I know he served in Iraq, so perhaps he’s struggling with PTSD or the horrific memories of that time.
I guess my holiday wish would be for him to find peace. For his friends, Adam and Damián, who served with him, I wish for peace and comfort for them and all who served. Maybe that’s too tall an order for Santa, but I know you will share that Christmas wish with God.
Please let Savi and Marisol find whatever they’re looking for and keep them safe. Oh, and help us all make this a very special Christmas for Marisol, who is so far away from only the home she knows. She seems so worried you won’t be able to find her.
Thank you for reading my letter, Santa. Anytime you and Mrs. Claus are in Colorado, please stop by. I’d love to prepare a special Italian meal for you!
Wow, I don’t think I’ve written one of these since I was a kid, and that was so long ago, I may have forgotten how…but I’ll do my best!
It’s been a really busy year! Going back to work seriously cut into my reading time, and I am not happy about that at all. I’ve had to find ways to accommodate this serious imposition of reading time in sneaky ways. Yes, I’ve sat in my car for half an hour (maybe more) after I get off the train after work just to be able to have 30 minutes of blissful silence to read my precious books before heading home to the chaos that is my life. Once home, I may have “pretended” a trip to the bathroom where I threw a towel down on the floor and sat there for a brief 15 minutes just to get through a scene because it was so good and I could not wait to finish it (and yes, I flushed the toilet for the full effect!). I’ve used the excuse of “I have a headache and need to lie down” not to get out of sex but to sneak into my bedroom and escape into a book (though my husband might be worried about a brain tumor about now). My Kindle is always with me and on the rare days that I drive to and from work, I will pull it out and read as much as I can at a red light. And yes, Santa, I have been known to prop that Kindle behind and to the right of my computer screen at work so that it looks like I’m working, but I’m really reading.
These are the actions of a desperate woman, who does not have enough reading time.
So Santa, if you saw fit to give me anything for Christmas this year, I would ask for time…uninterrupted hours of time, preferably on the beach, not too hot, nice breeze, fruity alcoholic beverages flowing, nice lounge chair, umbrella, etc., I would be forever grateful.
And if you saw fit to drop off some eye candy to enhance my reading pleasure, I would not object. I’m not picky, Acheron, Rhage, Mercury, Dorian, Jack, Tack, Luke, Rhett….who am I kidding? My list could go on for pages. Surprise me!
All my love,
I just want to say that the test I took on FB was all wrong. I am not 93% naughty, quite the opposite. I have been in such good behavior the past year. But just to make sure you agree, I’m asking you for simple gifts this Christmas. I was going to ask you to give me and DH a chance at a reenactment of a certain closet scene I’ve read from Kresley Cole’s latest book The Professional but since I’ve heard of a couple getting kicked out from a hotel vicinity due to public display…I’m holding back on that(thanks Deb for ruining my fantasy). I was also going to ask you for a certain pretty pink ring but thanks to Fran, I don’t have to ask you for that as well (thanks Fran for my Christmas gift!)
So, instead, I would love for you to give me some “liquor tolerance”, if only for the month of May. I will be attending RT14 in New Orleans and will be in company of a few women who can certainly party. I will need all the tolerance to keep me from doing things such as attempts to earn beaded necklaces because frankly, I don’t need them. I’m also hoping this will be help me “hang” with my friends and stay up past my bedtime.
Also if you can give me a bit of restriction from taking pictures of or with my fave authors and act like some type of paparazzi because my UTC gals probably will not be able to take another year of my picture taking frenzy.
Last, give DH all the patience for me and my crazy hobby. He has been putting up with my book craze, late night reading, blogging, talks of hunky heroes and poor guy… late night wake ups from me after a really good read.
So you see? Easy peasy requests from your UTC Angel. What do you say?!
Want to read our previous years’ Dear Santa Letters?
- Excerpt from THE MIXTAPE by Brittainy C. Cherry + Giveaway - July 7, 2021
- Take Me to the Beach: The Ultimate Summer Guide - June 22, 2021
- Meet our new reviewer team + Blogiversary Giveaway! - May 5, 2021