Darynda Jones – UTC’s Favorite Charley Davidson’s T-shirts

CHARLEY DAVIDSON
by Darynda Jones

UTC’s Favorite t-shirts and bumper stickers

I’m a virgin. But this is an old shirt.
~ T-shirt.

Life is short. Buy the shoes.
~ Inspirational poster

To save time, lets assume I know everything.
~ T-shirt

I’m not 100 percent certain, but I think my cup of coffee just said, “You’re my bitch”.
~ Status update

I’d rather be in Virginia.
T-shirt worn often by Reyes Farrow.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
~ T-shirt.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
~ T-shirt
Ask me about my complete lack of interest.
~ T-shirt
I know karate, and like two other Japanese words.
~ T-shirt
Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
~ T-shirt
charley-davidson-series

FIFTH GRAVE PAST THE LIGHT EXCERPT

 

Ask me about life after death.

—T-shirt often seen on Charley Davidson,

a grim reaper with questionable morals

 

The dead guy at the end of the bar kept trying to buy me a drink.

Which figured. No one else was even taking a second look and I’d

dressed to the nines. Or, at the very least, the eight- and- a-halves.

But the truly disturbing part of my evening was the fact that my

mark, one Mr. Marvin Tidwell, blond real estate broker and suspected

adulterer, actually turned down the drink I’d tried to buy

him.

 

Turned it down!

 

I felt violated.

 

I sat at the bar, sipping a margarita, lamenting the sad turn my life

had taken. Especially tonight. This case was not going as planned.

Maybe I wasn’t Marv’s type. It happened. But I was oozing interest.

And I wore makeup. And I had cleavage. Even with all that going for

me, this investigation was firmly wedged between the cracks of no and

where. At least I could tell my client, aka Mrs. Marvin Tidwell, that it

would seem her husband was not cheating on her. Not randomly,

anyway. The fact that he could’ve been meeting someone in particular

kept me glued to my barstool.

 

“C-come here often?”

 

I looked over at the dead guy. He’d finally worked up the courage

to approach and I got a better view of him. I figured him for the runt

of the litter. He wore round- rimmed glasses and a tattered baseball

cap that sat backwards on top of muddy brown hair. Add to that a

faded blue T-shirt and loosely ripped jeans and he could’ve been a

skater, a computer geek, or a backwoods moonshiner.

 

His cause of death was not immediately apparent. No stab wounds

or gaping holes. No missing limbs or tire tracks across his face. He

didn’t even look like a drug addict, so I couldn’t tell why he’d died at

such a young age. Taking into account the fact that his baby- faced

features would make him look younger than he probably was, I estimated

him to be somewhere around my age when he’d passed.

 

He stood waiting for an answer. I thought “Come here often?”

was rhetorical, but okay. Not wanting to be perceived as talking to

myself in a room full of people, I responded by lifting one shoulder

in a halfhearted shrug.

 

Sadly, I did. Come here often. This was my dad’s bar, and while I

never set up stings here for fear of someone I knew blowing my

cover, this just happened to be the very same bar Mr. Tidwell frequented.

At least if it came to a knockdown drag- out, I might have

some backup. I knew most of the regulars and all of the employees.

 

Dead Guy glanced toward the kitchen, seeming nervous before he

refocused on me. I glanced that way as well. Saw a door.

 

“Y-you’re very shiny,” he said, drawing my attention back to him.

 

He had a stutter. Few things were more adorable than a grown

man with boyish features and a stutter. I stirred my margarita and

pasted on a fake smile. I couldn’t talk to him in a room full of living,

breathing patrons. Especially when one was named Jessica Guinn, to

my utter mortification. I hadn’t seen her fiery red hair since high

school but there she sat, a few seats down from me, surrounded by a

group of chattering socialites who looked almost as fake as her boobs.

But that could be my bitterness rearing its ugly head.

 

Unfortunately, my forced smile only encouraged Dead Guy.

 

“Y-you are. You’re like the s-sun reflecting off the chrome bumper of

a f-fifty- seven Chevy.”

 

He splayed his fingers in the air to demonstrate, and my heart was

gone. Damn it. He was like all those lost puppies I tried to save as a

child to no avail because I had an evil stepmother who believed all

stray dogs were rabid and would try to rip out her jugular. A fact that

had nothing to do with my desire to bring them into the house.

 

“Yeah,” I said under my breath, doing my best ventriloquist impersonation,

“thanks.”

 

“I’m D-Duff ,” he said.

 

“I’m Charley.” I kept my hands wrapped around my drink lest he

decide we needed to shake. Not many things looked stranger to the

living world than a grown woman shaking air. You know those kids

with invisible friends? Well, I was one of those. Only I wasn’t a kid,

and my friends weren’t invisible. Not to me, anyway. And I could see

them because I’d been born the grim reaper, which was not as bad as

it sounded. I was basically a portal to heaven, and whenever someone

was stuck on Earth, having chosen not to cross over immediately after

death, they could cross to the other side through me. I was like a giant

bug light, only what I lured was already dead.

 

I pulled at my extra- tight sweater. “Is it just me, or is it really

warm in here?”

 

His baby blues shot toward the kitchen again. “Hot is m-more

like it. S-so, I— I couldn’t help but notice you t-tried to buy that guy

over there a drink.”

 

I let my fake smile go. Freed it like a captured bird. If it came back

to me, it would be mine. If not, it never was. “And?”

 

“You’re b-barking up the wrong tree with that one.”

 

Surprised, I put my drink down— the one I bought myself— and

leaned in a little closer. “He’s gay?”

 

Duff snorted. “N-no. But he’s been in here a lot lately. He l-likes

his women a little . . . l-looser.”

 

“Dude, how much sluttier can I get?” I indicated my attire with a

sweep of my hand.

 

“N-no, I mean, well, you’re a l-little—” He let his gaze travel the

length of me. “—t-tight.”

 

I gasped. “I look anal?”

 

He drew in a deep breath and tried again. “H-he only hits on

women who are more s-substantial than you.”

 

Oh, that wasn’t offensive at all. “I have depth. I’ve read Proust.

No, wait, that was Pooh. Winnie- the- Pooh. My bad.”

 

He shifted his non ex is tent weight, cleared his throat, and tried

again. “More v-voluptuous.”

 

“I have curves,” I said through a clenched jaw. “Have you seen

my ass?”

 

“Heavier!” he blurted out.

 

“I weigh— Oh, you mean he likes bigger women.”

 

“E-exactly, while I on the other hand—”

 

Duff ’s words faded into the background like elevator music. So

Marv liked big women. A new plan formed in the darkest, most corrupt

corners of Barbara. My brain.

 

Cookie, otherwise known as my receptionist during regular business

hours and my best friend 24/7, was perfect. She was large and in

charge. Or well, large and kind of bossy. I picked up my cell phone

and called her.

 

“This better be good,” she said.

 

“It is. I need your assistance.”

 

“I’m watching the first season of Prison Break.

 

“Cookie, you’re my assistant. I need assistance. With a case. You

know those things we take on to make money?”

 

Prison. Break. It’s about these brothers who—”

 

“I know what Prison Break is.”

 

“Then have you ever actually seen these boys? If you had, you

would not expect me to abandon them in their time of need. I think

there’s a shower scene coming up.”

 

“Do these brothers sign your paycheck?”

 

“No, but technically neither do you.”

 

Damn. She was right. It was much easier to just have her forge my

name.

 

“I need you to come flirt with my mark.”

 

“Oh, okay. I can do that.”

 

Nice. The F-word always worked with her. I filled her in and told

her the deal with Tidwell, then ordered her to hurry over.

 

“And dress sexy,” I said right before hanging up. But I regretted

the sexy part instantly. The last time I told Cookie to dress sexy for a

much- needed girls’ night out on the town, she wore a lace- up corset,

fishnet stockings, and a feather boa. She looked like a dominatrix. I’d

never been the same.

 

Our wonderful author of the month is graciously giving away a copy of FIFTH GRAVE PAST THE LIGHT to one lucky maiden and 3 other winners will get swag!

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katrina whittaker

I’m a virgin. But this is an old shirt. (( lol )) love this one

Melanie

There are just so many good ones.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I’d have a longer attention span if there weren’t so many shiny things.

I was an atheist until I realized I was God.

Denise Smith

shit happens then you die

Mirlou

I really like this one : Ask me about my complete lack of interest.
Thank you for this giveaway.

DanielleH

I’m a virgin. But this is an old shirt

SilkeISD

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
True story

Janne Swearengen

I thnk my favorite Charley T-shirt saying is”If it were for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable”

Nicola W

My favourite is “I know karate, and like two other Japanese words.” with “If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.” running a close second.

Lisa Richards

Ask me about my complete lack of interest.
absolutely the best!

Maria D.

Favorite Tshirt – To save time, lets assume I know everything.
Thanks for the giveaway!

Samantha Kurtz

To save time, lets assume I know everything.
~ T-shirt

Amber

Ask me about my complete lack of interest- love it!

miki

To save time let assume i know everything and Ask me about my complete lack of interest is second

Gabrielle

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

Texas Book Lover

These are all fantastic…but I have to go with. To save time, lets assume I know everything.

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
~ T-shirt

Isn’t that one SO true? LOL

Diane

Ilike them all and when I read one in her books, I start laughing my head off…

Shell Jensen

Love Them all

Natasha

I like all of them but one of my favorites is Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
Thanks for the chance to win!

Karen

I’m not 100 percent certain, but I think my cup of coffee just said, “You’re my bitch”.
~ Status update

This is my motto everyday…

LaGina

“I dont know who these kids are and why they are calling me mommy!” I love this one…lol thanks for the contest. Love Darynda Jones thanks for the review.

Linda Townsend

I’m a virgin. But this is an old shirt.
LOL!

Lori H

I like “sometimes the light at the end of a tunnel is a train.”
Thanks 🙂
Lori

Taunya

I’m not 100 percent certain but I think my coffee just said “your my bitch”
I need this blown up on my desk..Love it!

Christina C.

My favorite is “to save time, let’s just assume I know everything!”

Leanna h

To save time, lets assume I know everything.

Mya P.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

Jacki C

It’s a tie between “If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.” and “My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”. 🙂

I’d rather be in Virginia.
T-shirt worn often by Reyes Farrow.

Julie

Love the chapter titles!!!

Julie

Oppsie forgot the favorite one here…

I’d rather be in Virginia.
T-shirt worn often by Reyes Farrow.

Marie Brown

My ULTIMATE favorite T-shirt is: To save time, lets assume I know everthing.

Nancy L.R.

“To save time, lets assume I know everything.” Haha I love it! & so me!

Thank you for the giveaway!

Elizabeth

omg i don’t think i can pick just one…i love them all hahahaha

Veronica Vasquez

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

Haha, love it!

Brandy

I love them all! But if I had to choose I’d go with my favorite being: If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement I’d be unstoppable 🙂

Laurie

They all crack me up so picking one is impossible, I’ll just add these: “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.” and “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

Zanna Dobbs

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable

Cassie Guest

Haha this all so funny but i would choose either “To save time, lets assume I know everything.”
~ T-shirt or “If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable”

Michelle

This is probably my favorite!

To save time, lets assume I know everything
T-Shirt

So Charley!!

Veronica De Luna

To save time, let’s assume I know everything.
Sounds like something my hubby would say. 😉

Samantha

Most deff virgin one!!!

Jen B.

I’m not 100 percent certain, but I think my cup of coffee just said, “You’re my bitch”.

– I totally experienced that this morning!

Linda

My fave – Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
=D
Thanks for the giveaway & Happy Monday!
//Linda

Gabbie

Chapter beginnings are my favourite part simply because of the t-shirts and bumper stickers.

“If life hands you lemons, keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.”
– T-shirt

Anna G

“Ask Me about my complete lack of interest.”
Haha!

erinf1

Hahahahaha… thanks for the awesome post!!! Since I”m Asian-American, I totally loved “I know karate, and like two other Japanese words.” Thanks for sharing!

Elizabeth Dodd

I love these books

Timitra

Don’t have a fav cause I love them all!

Sophia Rose

“Genius has its limitations; insanity not so much”

Love so many of them and the fun excerpt post. Thanks for the giveaway opportunity.